Hi everyone ! I am 30 years old, female and married. My husband is loving and tries his best to keep me happy. I want to highlight my history a little bit. I have bipolar II and am undergoing medication for the past 6 years. I recently came off medication on my own because the side effects were making me dead.But thats another story.
I have been having maladaptive day dreaming for as long as I can remember. I remember my first fantasies when I was as young as 5 or 6. I have entire universes in my head. I normally did that when I was in bed at night , and dosed off to sleep but as my life progressed, I went deeper and deeper, creating better versions of myself creating characters with intense back stories. Everything and every one has meaning in my world. I have been murdered, married, successful, sick, in love , the situation really depends on how I am feeling at that point in my life. What I cannot shake off is that I am in love with this one character , he does not change no matter what the story, for almost 4 years now and now it has gotten to the point that I don't feel in love with my husband anymore I know this character's eye colour, height , hair color, chest size, his job , hobbies ( I know its getting weird ) , every detail. I am so invested in this relationship that I think about this stupid life all the time . It doesnot matter what I am doing. I think about it in bed, when I am cleaning the house, when I am eating, I am thinking about it right now . I even think about this fictitious person while having sex with my husband. I zone out . And I am filled with guilt . I feel I am cheating on my husband. As much as I want to stop, there is a part of me which does not want to stop. Its my guilty pleasure. I feel warm when I fantasize physical closeness with this person. I cant even listen to music without day dreaming.
I do not have a social circle, like I literally have no friends. I left my job a year ago due to mental health issues. I am ashamed to talk about this to anyone. Even to my therapist. I have never talked about this. I have been , for most of my life, living inside my head. I am now so invested in this fantasy that I have no interest in the real world and feel no attachment to the real world. I feel I am more trapped than ever .The guilt is killing me inside.

Has anyone felt this ? How have you coped?

Any suggestions are appreciated.
Thanks